heart-less

hi everyone. i have just been scolded by someone abt being a damn lousy fren who is calculative and self centred and self absorbed and selfish and all.. it sucked, but i guess upon reflection its true.

just wanna apologise for being such a bitch. seems like i am always getting this on and off. which means its really in my blood that i am un-nice. whoa it hurts. din think i was that lousy.. but i guess i am!

wanna drone on abt why i am like that and defend myself, but i suppose whatever has passed, belong to the past. we kant change that, so should just move on and focus on being a better person. i will. just emailed my smugang to apologise as well.

seriously you guys mean a lot to me. u are the cornerstone of my life! and i dun mean to be so slack and cynical or caustic or sarcastic or mean or uncaring or neglecting.. u know? and i am always trying to be a better person and a better fren (although this vision somehow always disappears unknowingly and i turn into some monster again). but i am sincere in wanting to improve.. like i know how peiyun and huimin are now always making the effort to meet up and share w me their lives.
really appreciate that. feeling undeserving all over again.

i dunno, i am really upset and disappointed. how can someone say that of me. but i think its true, and i ought to change and observe my selfish behavior.

wish i have a heart. :(

guide me along k?