ice-cream
hello huimin, peiyun, serene and felicia,
it's been a while since i posted on our blog huh. anyway i'm all right, just that i fell ill about 2 weeks back. and well, let's just say that it sucks to be down with a high fever, sore throat and cough and in general just really sick, when one's away from home and where temperatures aren't too kind. my flatmates were kind to me, especially ling. ryan n ling gave me some get-well-soon tulips too. i seldom fall sick and this time it was quite trying for me i guess. haha at some point of time i was asking ling, "am i going to die..?" to which she slapped my arm and chided me for being silly. wellwell. sometimes i just want to be taken care of, you know. it's nice.
to add to that, the internet was down, for a couple of random reasons. and so, basically it was rather grim, and huayuan is still busy with work as ever. and i was disappointed with my results, which i received while i was still sick. didn't do badly but not as well as i would have thought and liked. i reacted quite badly to it and called home to let my parents know how i did and i was really upset on the phone. for so long i always am my chirpy self when i speak to my parents la, because they can't see me nor touch me, so i feel like whatever picture i give them for that trunk call is something that lingers at home for more than just the duration of the call. and when i was physically well enough to attend class, it was quite dreary to feel the excitability drain me. the whole "come on guys, let's go let's go!!" and "*clap-clap* get to it!!!", coupled with the gesticulating lecturer and the clicking of laptop keys or the intense scribbling of the stoic hands in unison in the lecture theatre, etc. just got too much for me to bear those few days. and i was reminded of sylvia plath's "tulips" when i coincidentally received well-wishing purple tulips while i dragged myself on in every way even though it was but for a few days. of course then i would think to myself that i really am blessed to be here and circumstances are far from tragic, but then that made me feel so brattish and ineffectual because these are really trivial things which shouldn't get anyone down at all. and then i would start thinking that i may not be able to do as well as i want to at the end of my university life, and that i'm stupid and all that. you guys must be getting worried because this doesn't sound very much like me, does it. well, but it's a very real possibility that i may not do well enough, even though i want to. like "it's just results what", so if it's just results why can't i just do well enough?, then it's just because i'm stupid la, or if i don't work hard enough, i must be stupid to not work hard enough, or i'm just not focussed enough, whatever la endofstory.
and to the whole "just do your best" consolation, i've been through it many times and to that, i shall just say that i feel i've always been trying my best to try my best. is this making any sense? i mean, one's best is so elusive. and this "try your best" thing doesn't ever apply to times when we get what we expect. it only is an issue to when there's a shortfall of expectation and performance.
in any case, i'm just going to carry on with things and see where i end up. it can't be the end of the world because of whatever my degree classification says right. there still are so many things i love to do, rightnotrightnot. and really la, i have been taking for granted how i've learnt more and more to put things in perspective la. this whole time in nottingham, the sights and smells and my thoughts have been so covertly simmering in my system, because of my issues with upkeeping a blog (and laziness) and all that. but that doesn't make a departure from what i used to be and what i've learnt, even though i may be nondescript to the rest of the world now. i am relying on my friends' generosity to let me be. and how serene has described the butterfly in me. i may not be updating a certain xanga page (erp, yeah.) nor replying to emails but, (and i have no other way of saying it,) i'm still here.
i have been taking a rest from almost everything. it's hard to explain even in retrospect la. but DON'T WORRY, I'M FINE.
by the way, the title of this post is "ice-cream" because i couldn't think of anything to label this and i was eating ice-cream. yeah i know i still have a phlegmy cough and really shouldn't be having ice-cream but it's just nice to have ice-cream ok. and i've already put the tub of ben&jerry's (walao dam expensive it's my first tub in england) back into the freezer and am attacking pringles now.
and i forget easily things which make me happy sometimes. it is comforting to click on your page, huimin, and hear whatever song play. i actually keep it on so that it replays. makes me feel like i'm home with the rest of you and watching some dvd. oh yes, serene, do remind me about "Sepet". felicia, so did you try calling me? haha i'm really quite tardy now la, picking up phonecalls, replying to emails, etc. i'm just slack la ok, no other explanation. peiyun i trust you visit this page often just that you silently come and silently go. oh i don't know if i told you but i had gotten down to emailing yimyee about her queries regarding universities here. haha.
it's funny how i feel like i think of people more than they know, while on the other hand, if i upkept a blog, visitors to the blog would think of me more than i knew. ok that's just random, and as you can tell, i'm really not making any effort to make this post logical or flowy.
ok, and like any other decent update of what's up with me, here are some photos for you guys to see ok:
i took a picture of the chaosansi that i chomped up last december ok. haha. proof of receipt of your presents.
my mama sent me new year goodies la, and some empty angpao paper to decorate my room with. walao. haha. i miss my family la..
this was with 2 of my flatmates, jennifer and pravisha, at some club called geisha.
and a girly thing to show you all la, my newest addition to red footwear. heh. and those on the left are jenn's. and of course i'm not as tall as she is so you can see the disparity in length of limbs.
and this was in manchester. i eventually bought the red stripey half-cardigan. deborah took this picture. liqin and the both of us went for SingNite, which is like a dinner for all Singaporean students studying in the UK.
finally, felicia's purple opal-ey bracelet from portobello market in london. visit the link ok! you can imagine me scouting through the stores looking for something for you.
and serene's scarf from this shop called H&M. nice not.
i miss you guys and everything at home la, but things are fine here really. i really do enjoy being in england, i do, but it's just inevitable that i leave home to be here. and i haven't put up more pictures showcasing what's in my life right now. like i spruced up the kitchen noticeboard yesterday with "welcome to flat 57!", quite like the rgs days of doing up the class noticeboard. many things are going on here, and i just also want to share the :( parts of my life as well as the :) ones. don't worry la i'm ok. i just can't and don't put down every single thing about my life, ups and downs, on the blog. the music here, the newspapers and magazines i read, the bookstores i soak myself in, english friends, english food, europe, the library, the uni, etc.etc.etc. most of the time, my missing home remains a separate issue from what these 3 years shall mean to me. sometimes however, they just tend to mix. and it takes stamina to remind myself i shall come to miss my time in england. and home is so near, yet so far; so far, yet so near too. i miss my family, huayuan, my other friends too you know. and even my room, the weather, otah, etc. these days, and some others too, it's like i talk to myself:
夏天什么时候才来？
快了，快了。
so there, have i made my presence felt? :)
posted by H @ 2:39 AM
